December 26, 2009

Your hands and eyes
my hips and thighs
This is how it goes
mister.

This is for you

December 26, 2009

This is for you just like it is against you. Like morality and the perpesity of a dollar, when he says “I don’t’ have a cellphone, I just hollar” and they say he’s crazy but I think his vision is just a bit hazy but really I think he see more straightforward than the majority and if you don’t like what I’m saying, all I can say is I’m sorry. This is for you who came early and for you who stayed late and for you who, even in your altered state sang a song that serenaded me home. And this is for me cause I took the long way home. And this is for you who moves me like ten thousand bricks from the great wall of china would be moved if they could be moved, like the glaciers proved that everything crumbles. Everyone fumbles thats how we learn to walk and talk and reject all of those thoughts that aren’t our own. Those seeds once sown take root somewhere deep down solid inside of us, reaches toward the sky as if to say “look how I’ve grown” This is for you who taught me how to take my words and trip up the tongue ties, making them think that they’d been lied to, then unravelling slowly, making it true. This is for you who moved me, like your hands used to move on my body, steadily. And this is for everyone that every used their words to circumvent sorrow and this is for yesterday that pressed ever forward until it could say “hey, I’m tomorrow” Yeah, this is for you.

This is your letter

November 28, 2009

This is letter to you. This is a letter to you and my hand is shaking a little. You can’t tell that of course, because, on the computer, my virtual words are perfectly spaced, even and without emotion. My draft, by contrast, is erratic and slightly soggy. This is a letter to you, but really, I suppose it is a letter to me. I doubt my words could change your mind even though I don’t think that that is what I am trying to do. What I am trying to do is rewind time, take the lessons that I’ve learned, take the lessons that I am in the process of learning, meet you on the dance floor again, go back to your house for pizza again, listen to old albums and wake up in our clothes again. I would take back that week that you went to band camp back, the sweet e mails, the fact that I couldn’t wait to see you again. I would take that all back. I would also take back my birthday and the sweetest letter that I’ve ever received and the cd you’d made yourself. I would take back your nervous smile and your dance moves and the light in your eyes and the first time you introduced me as your girlfriend. I would take it all back and my future self would tell my old self “Hey, watch yourself, you are going to miss this more than you could possibly know when it is gone”

Maybe, if I’m going back in time, I could go back even further. I would see the controlling nature of that long winded relationship. I would see the ways in which it made me mean and afraid. I would have avoided it and maybe gone to Mexico for a while instead. Drank some beers and gotten a tan. I would have also avoided that year in my life where I tried to help someone who just wanted to hurt me. Maybe that time I would have gone to France, drank some wine and gained a few pounds. And lastly, maybe I would have avoided you on the dance floor that night, upon seeing your smile I would have said “You’re lovely but I’ll call you next month” I would have taken that time to figure a few things out slowly, instead of this crash course in human emotion that I am now experiencing. Realizing that I liked you and I liked how we were together, I was just so scared the whole time that I never saw it.

I kept asking for more and more not because I actually wanted more, but because I kept thinking that more would take away the fear. I wanted you to confront my fear. I wanted you to hit it over the head with your affection, wrestle it the ground with your strong arms, quell it with kisses. The thing is, fear eats that shit for breakfast and just gets stronger and stronger. My fear has made me the lover I would never care to have. This fear thing, it ate us up and for that, I’m entirely sorry.

I’ve never really missed anyone before. Its a new experience. The wonderful thing is that I think it means you made it past my defenses. Climbed over the wall. And if you did, it means its possible. And everyone is capable of change.

I want to banish this fear and meet you again.

a bit

November 21, 2009

She’ll wear heals or
something
I’ll write things
and stuff
while
slightly
maybe more than slightly
drunk
or not
maybe I’ll just sit here
but I’m sure she’ll be
newer
or shiny around the edges
less
or more
or
just or
Maybe I’ll just sit here
for a bit

November 11, 2009

You’re just a young blood

baby

You’re just a little too free

You’re not jaded

You don’t have debt

or a constitution yet

Gotta be a little like me.

Lets…

November 9, 2009

Lets talk in song lyrics

and spend most of our time in bed.

The Future

November 9, 2009

The future is broke for us
our artist hearts will probably never pay the bills

its all ok

lets buy cheap red wine
and put on our own shows

I will read stories
that I’ve written on the back
of more important papers
and make us clothes
from thrift store fabric

Don’t you worry

Your guitar fingers
don’t cost a dollar
and your singing voice
becomes more beautiful
in empty rooms
the echo haunting
with only my foot tapp tapp tapping
along.

Its all ok

Our artist hearts will probably never pay the bills!

Bus

November 7, 2009

A crazy man on the bus:

What’s going on here?
Doesn’t anyone pay the cable bill?
Whats wrong with staying home and watching TV?
Is it n antique idea?

Suddenly doesn’t sound crazy anymore

The bus is full

Standing room only

and I am going home

He does me a disservice
he says
by not saying things in the moment they were
meant to be said

Suddenly doesn’t sound crazy anymore

You have lips made for kissing
he says
If I were a younger man
and if you were a crazier woman

I agree

memories

October 21, 2009

Well I have such memories
in fact they are my enemies
such vivid, hapless memories of you.
I’ve got thread
and I’ve got needles
and people on which to lean
but the blood it keeps escaping
from the stitches inbetween
Its cause I have such memories
such vivid, hapless memories,
they seem to be my enemies
these memories of you.

October 8, 2009

this is just a
momentary
lapse in our
congruency
tomorrow I’m sure
we’ll feel differently.