This is letter to you. This is a letter to you and my hand is shaking a little. You can’t tell that of course, because, on the computer, my virtual words are perfectly spaced, even and without emotion. My draft, by contrast, is erratic and slightly soggy. This is a letter to you, but really, I suppose it is a letter to me. I doubt my words could change your mind even though I don’t think that that is what I am trying to do. What I am trying to do is rewind time, take the lessons that I’ve learned, take the lessons that I am in the process of learning, meet you on the dance floor again, go back to your house for pizza again, listen to old albums and wake up in our clothes again. I would take back that week that you went to band camp back, the sweet e mails, the fact that I couldn’t wait to see you again. I would take that all back. I would also take back my birthday and the sweetest letter that I’ve ever received and the cd you’d made yourself. I would take back your nervous smile and your dance moves and the light in your eyes and the first time you introduced me as your girlfriend. I would take it all back and my future self would tell my old self “Hey, watch yourself, you are going to miss this more than you could possibly know when it is gone”
Maybe, if I’m going back in time, I could go back even further. I would see the controlling nature of that long winded relationship. I would see the ways in which it made me mean and afraid. I would have avoided it and maybe gone to Mexico for a while instead. Drank some beers and gotten a tan. I would have also avoided that year in my life where I tried to help someone who just wanted to hurt me. Maybe that time I would have gone to France, drank some wine and gained a few pounds. And lastly, maybe I would have avoided you on the dance floor that night, upon seeing your smile I would have said “You’re lovely but I’ll call you next month” I would have taken that time to figure a few things out slowly, instead of this crash course in human emotion that I am now experiencing. Realizing that I liked you and I liked how we were together, I was just so scared the whole time that I never saw it.
I kept asking for more and more not because I actually wanted more, but because I kept thinking that more would take away the fear. I wanted you to confront my fear. I wanted you to hit it over the head with your affection, wrestle it the ground with your strong arms, quell it with kisses. The thing is, fear eats that shit for breakfast and just gets stronger and stronger. My fear has made me the lover I would never care to have. This fear thing, it ate us up and for that, I’m entirely sorry.
I’ve never really missed anyone before. Its a new experience. The wonderful thing is that I think it means you made it past my defenses. Climbed over the wall. And if you did, it means its possible. And everyone is capable of change.
I want to banish this fear and meet you again.